So Bobby and I are quickly approaching this new chapter in our lives. And as the plans for Element are continuing to roll out, some times I still feel like Bobby and I are not quite on the same page...Bobby's a much faster reader. But we're getting there.
While in Texas, I was told something that made complete sense to me, but something that I had never thought of before. I was looked straight in the eyes by someone who had known me a matter of days, and he reminded me of a part of myself that had somehow gotten lost over the years. He told me he got the "hunch" that I had a go-getter personality, that I was someone who went after a challenge instead of backing away. Therefore, the fact that someone like me was pulling back from this church plant didn't quite add up for him. And that hit me like a brick. Where had that part of me gone?
I have been trying for years to be the "manager" of our marriage and now family because I believed that if I don't do it, no one will, and things will simply fall apart. My role as realist, as opposed to my idealist husband, has somehow forced me to automatically put up walls any time a new "dream" is brought to the table. So far, something new for us has meant a new hardship in our marriage, another opportunity for me to feel left behind. Just when I think I'm handling life, something new is thrown in the mix, usually a new endeavor on Bobby's part, and I'm left scrambling to catch up. And I guess it may be because I've never really felt that these were MY dreams, whether that's Bobby's fault, or whether it's self-imposed.
So a big part of this new chapter is finding what part of all this is MY dream, my challenge, because in fact, it is. And then not putting up that familiar wall, but going for it. We'll be ready when we're ready. When I can muster up a little faith and run after all this, there will be no stopping me. I will be truly alive. It's a part of me I haven't seen in a while.
P.s. Don't hate the realists. We're not Debbie Downers. We just keep things in perspective :0)
2 comments:
I can understand! I have asked myself many times throughout the last couple of months the question, “Am I in that in-between stage? Am I fully on board with this dream (is this truly a dream of mine), or am I along for the ride?” Between Bobby asking me to be a part of Leadership and my thoughts of inadequacy within the ministry, I have been on that roller coaster ride, and I am ready for some closure. I am going to follow your lead and go for it with faith that it will work out (see Jill you aren’t the only one playing catch-up!). I don’t know what will happen the next couple of months and that truly scares me… It’s the fear of the unknown that’s so scary. I ‘m so used to taking care of everything , that I think I may have forgotten that I am being cared for, that I am being watched after. Thanks for the wake up call! I needed that!
The world could use a few more realist.
I've got a million dreams myself, but the realist in me realizes that most of them will never come to be.
Thank you for your transparency Jill, it is much appreciated.
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