He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

So I'm still trying to figure out how I fit in to all this church planting business. My feelings of inadequacy are sometimes overwhelming and often more than I can bear without just crying. People ask me if I'm excited, and it's hard to answer because there are so many more emotions involved that excitement often seems pushed to the bottom of the list. I'm so proud of Bobby, but the fear of being left behind seems to drown out the pride. At one point I felt so oppressed and anxious that I felt physically sick. Add in a few postpartum ghosts that are still haunting me, not to mention sleep deprivation and an achy back, and some days I feel like a total mess.

The fear of being left behind has unfortunately become a norm for me since Bobby and I have been married. The church to me has become the "other woman." Church and ministry have been our entire marriage, occupying so much of Bobby's time, energy and emotions that many days I simply felt like all I got were his "leftovers." He poured so much of himself into what he did that there just wasn't anything left for me. The first couple years of our marriage suffered immensely, and although it's gotten better, I still feel like I'm in constant competition with the church. It's taken a toll on me. And the thing that's most difficult is that Bobby's job isn't just a regular job...it's all wrapped up in "God's work." It's so easy when things get frustrating to start blaming God.

I believe that Bobby's eyes have been opened lately. He's beginning to understand what I've been crying over for years now. I believe that we're at the beginning of something different for us, something that we AND the church have been wanting and needing for a long time. I'll explain more soon...

Joy

I've never known such joy as I do now being a mommy. Every day I stare into that little face and engrave that perfect smile on my mind's memory. I never want to forget how my heart leaps every time she lights up and grins from ear to ear. Those blue eyes are so sparkly, innocent and full of joy.

I lose all sense of things around me when I hold my baby girl in my arms. As she falls asleep, she looks directly into my eyes, peering in the windows into my soul. It's almost like she can read every thought in my mind, which at that moment is all about locking away this most precious memory. She drifts away into sleep, knowing that she is safe; my eyes tell her that I love her more than anything in this world. She makes the most gentle mmmm sounds, like she's saying 'I love you, Mom...I'm so thankful to be right here, right now.'

I know now that no one could ever love me like she does. What a gift. What a blessing. What joy.

(Not So) Great Expectations

As Bobby and I set out on this journey called church planting, I am reminded of all the things I hate about how church has been done and how I just wish things could look different. Maybe my calling is to just look different. I cringe at the title of "pastor's wife"...or maybe I cringe at all the stipulations that immediately attach themselves to it. I'm working on letting go of the fear of not living up to what I think people will expect of me. Can we just get real for a moment? I don't want to lead women's ministry.

Someone told me the other day that they remember when Bobby and I were just kids, just getting married, just beginning our lives together. But - we still are kids! And I certainly don't feel ready for all of this.