So I'm still trying to figure out how I fit in to all this church planting business. My feelings of inadequacy are sometimes overwhelming and often more than I can bear without just crying. People ask me if I'm excited, and it's hard to answer because there are so many more emotions involved that excitement often seems pushed to the bottom of the list. I'm so proud of Bobby, but the fear of being left behind seems to drown out the pride. At one point I felt so oppressed and anxious that I felt physically sick. Add in a few postpartum ghosts that are still haunting me, not to mention sleep deprivation and an achy back, and some days I feel like a total mess.
The fear of being left behind has unfortunately become a norm for me since Bobby and I have been married. The church to me has become the "other woman." Church and ministry have been our entire marriage, occupying so much of Bobby's time, energy and emotions that many days I simply felt like all I got were his "leftovers." He poured so much of himself into what he did that there just wasn't anything left for me. The first couple years of our marriage suffered immensely, and although it's gotten better, I still feel like I'm in constant competition with the church. It's taken a toll on me. And the thing that's most difficult is that Bobby's job isn't just a regular job...it's all wrapped up in "God's work." It's so easy when things get frustrating to start blaming God.
I believe that Bobby's eyes have been opened lately. He's beginning to understand what I've been crying over for years now. I believe that we're at the beginning of something different for us, something that we AND the church have been wanting and needing for a long time. I'll explain more soon...
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