REST

Bobby and I are attending a conference these next few days in Orlando. It's a church planting conference, and there are about 3,000 people here from all over the country. It's kinda cool to imagine that many new churches all across the U.S., but at the same time, it's a little scary because the last thing this country needs is another church. Instead, we need people in love with God who are being the church in a way that others can't help but be drawn to Him. So I'm hoping that these are the ones filling our conference seats.

Because it's a church planting conference, I decided to sign up for the series of sessions geared toward church planting spouses. Upon entering my designated area today, I immediately began to make silent judgments. Upon the opening of the session, I thought "And this is why I hate women's events" and I prepared myself for the fluff.

However, God had something else in mind for me today. It appeared that by the end of the session, every word had been prepared for me. You see, the entire message was about REST. And if anything, my life lately has been nothing but UNrest. I'm still in the process of figuring out balance, and I've been spinning in circles trying to do it all because every thing in my life to me is as important as the next, so to put one aside for another seems impossible. Let's see, there's the baby, then there's the house, cleaning and laundry and fixing things and putting the toilet paper on the roll!, then there's work...and family...and trying to be a good friend...then there's, of course, the new church stuff, new people, launch team, core team...oh yeah, and then there's "quality time" with Bobby...and then I'm supposed to be in the mood for "lovin'." Then on top of all that, I'm supposed to take care of myself...exercise, eating well, making sure I'm drinking my 8 glasses of water a day! Then there are those things that I'd LIKE to do but are rarely squeezed in, like reading a book, working on my photo albums, or...I don't know...dreaming.

And in all of this, where does God fit in?? Lately I've actually gotten a little peeved at God because in all the hustle bustle, He still expects me to chip away some time for HIM. I know it's backward thinking, but that's how my unbalanced mind works sometimes.

But today I was gently reminded that all things are out of whack unless God is placed first. On the way to Orlando this morning I was telling Bobby that I feel like everyday I just go through the motions, that it's just the same things over and over. Today I was told that "unless the Lord builds a house, its builders labor over it in vain" (Psalm 127:1). The "house" I've been building is not the best that God has for me. I hang onto and "white-knuckle" so many things in my life because I just need to feel like I have some shred of control over something. What I realized today is that if there's something that God asks for and I tell Him 'NO' -- I've found my idol.

I don't know why I hold so tightly to things when God truly WANTS to carry my burdens and truly WANTS me to enjoy life. He never asks me to try to do everything, only to trust that He's got it covered. Relax. Take a breath. REST. And by the end of the session, I found that my preconceived judgments got washed away...because I had been crying through most of it.

Working on Balance

So I decided that after six months of being with Annsley 24/7 that it might be good for me to go back to work part-time, just to get out of the house and have a little time for myself. I hadn't planned to go back, but it worked out with Bobby being able to watch her, and I thought that picking up a couple day shifts wouldn't be a big deal. But it turns out that it's taken a bit of adjusting on my part after all.

It's been a couple weeks, and things have been ok for the most part...no casualties, everyone's alive and well. The biggest tragedy is that Bobby took Annsley around town in a non-matching outfit with purple smoothie all down the front of her! Yes, he fed her his smoothie.

But this morning I really felt it...as I rushed to get to work on time, I left my baby in Bobby's arms, whining and looking to me for comfort. Bobby saw my face, but I choked back a tear, kissed her on the head, lied and said that everything was fine. I walked the incredibly long walk out of the house and shut the door behind me. And what followed behind was a whole day of guilt and self-doubt. Did I make the right decision? Am I damaging my child for life? Am I being selfish? I don't know.

I think what it comes down to is that I'm still figuring out balance. There are so many new things in my life lately, and it's a lot to process. There are so many things that I want for my family and myself, so much on my mind. And I don't see it getting any easier any time soon.

But I have to say that although I missed my baby so incredibly much, there was no greater feeling than seeing her again and having her look up at me and flash me that huge gummy smile :0) Oh, I love her so much.

Kryptonite

So I'm coming off of being sick - and I mean violently sick - for the past couple days. And something I realized is that when you're a mom, being sick is not just inconvenient, it's impossible. There simply isn't time to be sick.

When Bobby got sick first, I have to admit, I was less than sympathetic. I attributed it to his constant IBS symptoms, and I passed it off as his 'lesson to learn.' I was getting on him about eating food he knows will set him off....But then, 12 hours later, it hit me like a brick. And it wasn't pretty. What started as a merciless roll of my eyes became an apology and a plea to take the pain away. Looks like the Chinese food attacked both of us.

So, not only did I feel like I was just hit by a bus, but I was then overcome with guilt for not being what my baby needed. Thank God for my parents who came and rescued her for the night, as Bobby and I were completely non-functioning. But even though I knew it was best for her - and us - it ripped my heart out.

Then came the calling in to work the next day, followed by not being able to go to the dinner we had planned, followed by the house completely going to shambles. Being sick requires time -and sleep - to get better, both luxuries that have become foreign to me, especially since little Annsley came into our lives.

But I made it, and everyone is better and back on track. Things I learned: 1) Be more compassionate about Bobby's intestinal issues. 2) Don't be so hard on myself - I'm not Superwoman and no one expects me to do it all. 3) I will not be eating Chinese food for a VERY long time.