Sweet Dreams

I went to a friend's baby shower today, and we were asked to write down a little advice or note of encouragement for the mom-to-be. I realized that it was the first time that I could do that out of my own mommy experience. I told her to take in every moment, no matter how tired you are, and to take a ton of pictures - it goes by way too fast.

So tonight as I was putting my little angel to bed, I turned on her night-night music and got her all snuggled in her jammies, but instead of laying her right down in her bed, I held onto her just a little longer and rocked her in my arms. As I prayed over her with her little fuzzy head on my shoulder and her little face all nuzzled in my neck, I listened to the sweet, soft sounds of her sucking her paci...and I soaked up those moments into my memory. Then I kissed her and laid her down, and she made those sweet little sounds of contentment as she rolled on her side with her blanket, and her eyes began to close. There's nothing like that in the world.

Every night when I pray over her, I pray that God would surround her bed with angels to protect her, that she'd have sweet dreams and a peaceful sleep. Then I thank Him for giving me this precious little angel to love and protect.

I can't believe she's 8 months old already. It seems like she was just born! I love her so much. I can't begin to describe the joy.

Talents and Teething

So May kinda got away from me blogwise. I've been super tired lately - Annsley, work, new church things, managing our household, and a couple other changes in my life- it's gotten the best of me. But I'll try to get back on track.

I cannot believe that my baby girl is on the verge of crawling!! It's going by WAY too fast, and I'm not ready for her to be mobile yet. Naps have become interesting because now she can sit herself up in her crib and play with the wallpaper. She doesn't cry, but I'll go in there to check on her, thinking she's asleep, and there she is smiling at me :0) Stinker.

But it's fun, nonetheless. What's not so fun, however, is the teething. That's been challenging. We've been so spoiled with her sleeping through the night since 6 weeks! So now that she's up several times a night, that certainly isn't helping my tiredness.

There's so many new things that she's doing, everyday it seems like she's learning something and proudly displaying her talents. Clapping is the newest thing, and I can't get enough of it! Also, she's beginning to show her "love" for us. Daddy's favorite is when she lunges for him and grabs on. She also gives "kisses" by coming at our faces with a slobbery open mouth. We end up covered in drool, but I'll take it anyday :0) Those are the little things that make us forget the frustrating moments. And she just looks so darn cute with those teeny little teeth popping through on the bottom!

I feel like every month that goes by I'm more and more in love with her. It's amazing. And one of the greatest joys for me is seeing Bobby bond with her. Watching their relationship makes me melt, and I'm so thankful that she has such a great Daddy who loves her so much.

Baby Praise

My baby girl Annsley loves these 'Praise Baby' dvd's that another mom suggested to me. They're basically a bunch of clips of kids playing, flowers, and animals in the wild, all set to worship songs. We have a couple of them, and we're in love with them because what else can keep a 6-month-old's attention for 30 minutes straight? And it usually gives me just enough time to wash some bottles, unload the dishwasher or eat some breakfast.

But I try to also watch them with her sometimes, singing along with the songs and pointing out the names of everything. She's fascinated. Several weeks ago I was sitting there next to her as she sat mesmerized in her highchair watching her "movie," and she caught my attention. As I looked at her little face all lit up and smiling, I was so touched by her innocence, peacefulness and joy...and I thought, 'she's worshipping.' I just let that sink in as I watched her. Her joy brought me so much joy, and I imagined God smiling over her as He watched His perfect little creation praising Him in the way that only she knows how.

How God must find so much joy in our joy.

REST

Bobby and I are attending a conference these next few days in Orlando. It's a church planting conference, and there are about 3,000 people here from all over the country. It's kinda cool to imagine that many new churches all across the U.S., but at the same time, it's a little scary because the last thing this country needs is another church. Instead, we need people in love with God who are being the church in a way that others can't help but be drawn to Him. So I'm hoping that these are the ones filling our conference seats.

Because it's a church planting conference, I decided to sign up for the series of sessions geared toward church planting spouses. Upon entering my designated area today, I immediately began to make silent judgments. Upon the opening of the session, I thought "And this is why I hate women's events" and I prepared myself for the fluff.

However, God had something else in mind for me today. It appeared that by the end of the session, every word had been prepared for me. You see, the entire message was about REST. And if anything, my life lately has been nothing but UNrest. I'm still in the process of figuring out balance, and I've been spinning in circles trying to do it all because every thing in my life to me is as important as the next, so to put one aside for another seems impossible. Let's see, there's the baby, then there's the house, cleaning and laundry and fixing things and putting the toilet paper on the roll!, then there's work...and family...and trying to be a good friend...then there's, of course, the new church stuff, new people, launch team, core team...oh yeah, and then there's "quality time" with Bobby...and then I'm supposed to be in the mood for "lovin'." Then on top of all that, I'm supposed to take care of myself...exercise, eating well, making sure I'm drinking my 8 glasses of water a day! Then there are those things that I'd LIKE to do but are rarely squeezed in, like reading a book, working on my photo albums, or...I don't know...dreaming.

And in all of this, where does God fit in?? Lately I've actually gotten a little peeved at God because in all the hustle bustle, He still expects me to chip away some time for HIM. I know it's backward thinking, but that's how my unbalanced mind works sometimes.

But today I was gently reminded that all things are out of whack unless God is placed first. On the way to Orlando this morning I was telling Bobby that I feel like everyday I just go through the motions, that it's just the same things over and over. Today I was told that "unless the Lord builds a house, its builders labor over it in vain" (Psalm 127:1). The "house" I've been building is not the best that God has for me. I hang onto and "white-knuckle" so many things in my life because I just need to feel like I have some shred of control over something. What I realized today is that if there's something that God asks for and I tell Him 'NO' -- I've found my idol.

I don't know why I hold so tightly to things when God truly WANTS to carry my burdens and truly WANTS me to enjoy life. He never asks me to try to do everything, only to trust that He's got it covered. Relax. Take a breath. REST. And by the end of the session, I found that my preconceived judgments got washed away...because I had been crying through most of it.

Working on Balance

So I decided that after six months of being with Annsley 24/7 that it might be good for me to go back to work part-time, just to get out of the house and have a little time for myself. I hadn't planned to go back, but it worked out with Bobby being able to watch her, and I thought that picking up a couple day shifts wouldn't be a big deal. But it turns out that it's taken a bit of adjusting on my part after all.

It's been a couple weeks, and things have been ok for the most part...no casualties, everyone's alive and well. The biggest tragedy is that Bobby took Annsley around town in a non-matching outfit with purple smoothie all down the front of her! Yes, he fed her his smoothie.

But this morning I really felt it...as I rushed to get to work on time, I left my baby in Bobby's arms, whining and looking to me for comfort. Bobby saw my face, but I choked back a tear, kissed her on the head, lied and said that everything was fine. I walked the incredibly long walk out of the house and shut the door behind me. And what followed behind was a whole day of guilt and self-doubt. Did I make the right decision? Am I damaging my child for life? Am I being selfish? I don't know.

I think what it comes down to is that I'm still figuring out balance. There are so many new things in my life lately, and it's a lot to process. There are so many things that I want for my family and myself, so much on my mind. And I don't see it getting any easier any time soon.

But I have to say that although I missed my baby so incredibly much, there was no greater feeling than seeing her again and having her look up at me and flash me that huge gummy smile :0) Oh, I love her so much.

Kryptonite

So I'm coming off of being sick - and I mean violently sick - for the past couple days. And something I realized is that when you're a mom, being sick is not just inconvenient, it's impossible. There simply isn't time to be sick.

When Bobby got sick first, I have to admit, I was less than sympathetic. I attributed it to his constant IBS symptoms, and I passed it off as his 'lesson to learn.' I was getting on him about eating food he knows will set him off....But then, 12 hours later, it hit me like a brick. And it wasn't pretty. What started as a merciless roll of my eyes became an apology and a plea to take the pain away. Looks like the Chinese food attacked both of us.

So, not only did I feel like I was just hit by a bus, but I was then overcome with guilt for not being what my baby needed. Thank God for my parents who came and rescued her for the night, as Bobby and I were completely non-functioning. But even though I knew it was best for her - and us - it ripped my heart out.

Then came the calling in to work the next day, followed by not being able to go to the dinner we had planned, followed by the house completely going to shambles. Being sick requires time -and sleep - to get better, both luxuries that have become foreign to me, especially since little Annsley came into our lives.

But I made it, and everyone is better and back on track. Things I learned: 1) Be more compassionate about Bobby's intestinal issues. 2) Don't be so hard on myself - I'm not Superwoman and no one expects me to do it all. 3) I will not be eating Chinese food for a VERY long time.

Church!

I am constantly amazed by the people who make up what we have called Revolution for the last 2 and half years. For those who may think that our generation has nothing to offer or is nothing worth writing home about, I encourage them to meet the people that I am proud to call my friends, my family. I have never met a group who "get it" like they do...who are dreamers, fighters, givers. I am so humbled. And I don't think I even realized what I have until just recently.

Tonight was the last Revolution service officially. Emotions ran high as Bobby finished up what would be his last message taught here. As I looked around at all those people, I suddenly felt so undeserving of their love and kind words. Because there were many days when I didn't want to be in ministry, that I didn't support Bobby as much as I should have, that I was simply negative. There were many days that I just wanted to get away from "church" and be "normal" (whatever that means).

But once again God showed up for me when I didn't deserve Him. My heart has softened in the last month or so. It has been confirmed over and over that this new church is every bit my calling as it is Bobby's (thank you, Tim)...I was just a little slower in accepting this call. I've realized that it's ok to be the backstage crew, or the one who hands the cup of water to the runner. That it's not just ok, it's vital. Because without those people, someone else would miss their cues...or be really thirsty. I realized that I've missed out on doing my job to the fullest because I've spent a lot of time worrying or complaining or wishing I was someone else. But I know now that I'm exactly who I need to be. And I've realized that this isn't my only role, that I DO have so much more to offer. I've begun to see myself in a different light.

And all this has happened, of course because God's awesome, but also by way of other people's words and belief in me. It hit me just now that this is exactly who the church is supposed to be. So edifying and encouraging, so brave enough to speak the Truth, that we love each other on to become who each of us was called to be. To bring out the "God-flavors" in each other. For each and every one of us to embrace our strengths--and weaknesses--and be the best we can be. That's when we truly live. Imagine a whole group of people who live this out every day. Imagine a people truly living! Let's not miss out on what God has called us to do...to be. I'm certainly not going to miss out on any more.

Thank you, Revolution, for loving God by loving me. Thank you for being the church.