REST

Bobby and I are attending a conference these next few days in Orlando. It's a church planting conference, and there are about 3,000 people here from all over the country. It's kinda cool to imagine that many new churches all across the U.S., but at the same time, it's a little scary because the last thing this country needs is another church. Instead, we need people in love with God who are being the church in a way that others can't help but be drawn to Him. So I'm hoping that these are the ones filling our conference seats.

Because it's a church planting conference, I decided to sign up for the series of sessions geared toward church planting spouses. Upon entering my designated area today, I immediately began to make silent judgments. Upon the opening of the session, I thought "And this is why I hate women's events" and I prepared myself for the fluff.

However, God had something else in mind for me today. It appeared that by the end of the session, every word had been prepared for me. You see, the entire message was about REST. And if anything, my life lately has been nothing but UNrest. I'm still in the process of figuring out balance, and I've been spinning in circles trying to do it all because every thing in my life to me is as important as the next, so to put one aside for another seems impossible. Let's see, there's the baby, then there's the house, cleaning and laundry and fixing things and putting the toilet paper on the roll!, then there's work...and family...and trying to be a good friend...then there's, of course, the new church stuff, new people, launch team, core team...oh yeah, and then there's "quality time" with Bobby...and then I'm supposed to be in the mood for "lovin'." Then on top of all that, I'm supposed to take care of myself...exercise, eating well, making sure I'm drinking my 8 glasses of water a day! Then there are those things that I'd LIKE to do but are rarely squeezed in, like reading a book, working on my photo albums, or...I don't know...dreaming.

And in all of this, where does God fit in?? Lately I've actually gotten a little peeved at God because in all the hustle bustle, He still expects me to chip away some time for HIM. I know it's backward thinking, but that's how my unbalanced mind works sometimes.

But today I was gently reminded that all things are out of whack unless God is placed first. On the way to Orlando this morning I was telling Bobby that I feel like everyday I just go through the motions, that it's just the same things over and over. Today I was told that "unless the Lord builds a house, its builders labor over it in vain" (Psalm 127:1). The "house" I've been building is not the best that God has for me. I hang onto and "white-knuckle" so many things in my life because I just need to feel like I have some shred of control over something. What I realized today is that if there's something that God asks for and I tell Him 'NO' -- I've found my idol.

I don't know why I hold so tightly to things when God truly WANTS to carry my burdens and truly WANTS me to enjoy life. He never asks me to try to do everything, only to trust that He's got it covered. Relax. Take a breath. REST. And by the end of the session, I found that my preconceived judgments got washed away...because I had been crying through most of it.

Working on Balance

So I decided that after six months of being with Annsley 24/7 that it might be good for me to go back to work part-time, just to get out of the house and have a little time for myself. I hadn't planned to go back, but it worked out with Bobby being able to watch her, and I thought that picking up a couple day shifts wouldn't be a big deal. But it turns out that it's taken a bit of adjusting on my part after all.

It's been a couple weeks, and things have been ok for the most part...no casualties, everyone's alive and well. The biggest tragedy is that Bobby took Annsley around town in a non-matching outfit with purple smoothie all down the front of her! Yes, he fed her his smoothie.

But this morning I really felt it...as I rushed to get to work on time, I left my baby in Bobby's arms, whining and looking to me for comfort. Bobby saw my face, but I choked back a tear, kissed her on the head, lied and said that everything was fine. I walked the incredibly long walk out of the house and shut the door behind me. And what followed behind was a whole day of guilt and self-doubt. Did I make the right decision? Am I damaging my child for life? Am I being selfish? I don't know.

I think what it comes down to is that I'm still figuring out balance. There are so many new things in my life lately, and it's a lot to process. There are so many things that I want for my family and myself, so much on my mind. And I don't see it getting any easier any time soon.

But I have to say that although I missed my baby so incredibly much, there was no greater feeling than seeing her again and having her look up at me and flash me that huge gummy smile :0) Oh, I love her so much.

Kryptonite

So I'm coming off of being sick - and I mean violently sick - for the past couple days. And something I realized is that when you're a mom, being sick is not just inconvenient, it's impossible. There simply isn't time to be sick.

When Bobby got sick first, I have to admit, I was less than sympathetic. I attributed it to his constant IBS symptoms, and I passed it off as his 'lesson to learn.' I was getting on him about eating food he knows will set him off....But then, 12 hours later, it hit me like a brick. And it wasn't pretty. What started as a merciless roll of my eyes became an apology and a plea to take the pain away. Looks like the Chinese food attacked both of us.

So, not only did I feel like I was just hit by a bus, but I was then overcome with guilt for not being what my baby needed. Thank God for my parents who came and rescued her for the night, as Bobby and I were completely non-functioning. But even though I knew it was best for her - and us - it ripped my heart out.

Then came the calling in to work the next day, followed by not being able to go to the dinner we had planned, followed by the house completely going to shambles. Being sick requires time -and sleep - to get better, both luxuries that have become foreign to me, especially since little Annsley came into our lives.

But I made it, and everyone is better and back on track. Things I learned: 1) Be more compassionate about Bobby's intestinal issues. 2) Don't be so hard on myself - I'm not Superwoman and no one expects me to do it all. 3) I will not be eating Chinese food for a VERY long time.

Church!

I am constantly amazed by the people who make up what we have called Revolution for the last 2 and half years. For those who may think that our generation has nothing to offer or is nothing worth writing home about, I encourage them to meet the people that I am proud to call my friends, my family. I have never met a group who "get it" like they do...who are dreamers, fighters, givers. I am so humbled. And I don't think I even realized what I have until just recently.

Tonight was the last Revolution service officially. Emotions ran high as Bobby finished up what would be his last message taught here. As I looked around at all those people, I suddenly felt so undeserving of their love and kind words. Because there were many days when I didn't want to be in ministry, that I didn't support Bobby as much as I should have, that I was simply negative. There were many days that I just wanted to get away from "church" and be "normal" (whatever that means).

But once again God showed up for me when I didn't deserve Him. My heart has softened in the last month or so. It has been confirmed over and over that this new church is every bit my calling as it is Bobby's (thank you, Tim)...I was just a little slower in accepting this call. I've realized that it's ok to be the backstage crew, or the one who hands the cup of water to the runner. That it's not just ok, it's vital. Because without those people, someone else would miss their cues...or be really thirsty. I realized that I've missed out on doing my job to the fullest because I've spent a lot of time worrying or complaining or wishing I was someone else. But I know now that I'm exactly who I need to be. And I've realized that this isn't my only role, that I DO have so much more to offer. I've begun to see myself in a different light.

And all this has happened, of course because God's awesome, but also by way of other people's words and belief in me. It hit me just now that this is exactly who the church is supposed to be. So edifying and encouraging, so brave enough to speak the Truth, that we love each other on to become who each of us was called to be. To bring out the "God-flavors" in each other. For each and every one of us to embrace our strengths--and weaknesses--and be the best we can be. That's when we truly live. Imagine a whole group of people who live this out every day. Imagine a people truly living! Let's not miss out on what God has called us to do...to be. I'm certainly not going to miss out on any more.

Thank you, Revolution, for loving God by loving me. Thank you for being the church.

That Piece of Me

So Bobby and I are quickly approaching this new chapter in our lives. And as the plans for Element are continuing to roll out, some times I still feel like Bobby and I are not quite on the same page...Bobby's a much faster reader. But we're getting there.

While in Texas, I was told something that made complete sense to me, but something that I had never thought of before. I was looked straight in the eyes by someone who had known me a matter of days, and he reminded me of a part of myself that had somehow gotten lost over the years. He told me he got the "hunch" that I had a go-getter personality, that I was someone who went after a challenge instead of backing away. Therefore, the fact that someone like me was pulling back from this church plant didn't quite add up for him. And that hit me like a brick. Where had that part of me gone?

I have been trying for years to be the "manager" of our marriage and now family because I believed that if I don't do it, no one will, and things will simply fall apart. My role as realist, as opposed to my idealist husband, has somehow forced me to automatically put up walls any time a new "dream" is brought to the table. So far, something new for us has meant a new hardship in our marriage, another opportunity for me to feel left behind. Just when I think I'm handling life, something new is thrown in the mix, usually a new endeavor on Bobby's part, and I'm left scrambling to catch up. And I guess it may be because I've never really felt that these were MY dreams, whether that's Bobby's fault, or whether it's self-imposed.

So a big part of this new chapter is finding what part of all this is MY dream, my challenge, because in fact, it is. And then not putting up that familiar wall, but going for it. We'll be ready when we're ready. When I can muster up a little faith and run after all this, there will be no stopping me. I will be truly alive. It's a part of me I haven't seen in a while.

P.s. Don't hate the realists. We're not Debbie Downers. We just keep things in perspective :0)

Called By Default

This past week was quite an adventure. Bobby and I spent 6 days in Austin, Texas at a church planting conference. And boy, where do I begin?? First of all, leaving Annsley behind at my parents was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. So with those emotions already on the surface, we were about to face some other challenges upon our arrival in Texas...things that I will be downloading for quite a while (and as I have time to write it out).

I guess the thing that stands out in my mind the most was how much emphasis was placed on our marriage. Not just that a healthy marriage is important in ministry, but that it's absolutely necessary to be most effective. I saw in a different way just how much my heart matters, and what I bring to the table is vital. We had so much wise counsel from people who had never met me before this week, yet I felt like they knew exactly who I am...and who I had forgotten that I am.

I love Bobby so much, but since the beginning of our ministry life together, I have felt like I've been riding his coattails, never quite having what it takes to be his partner in this journey. Even though he's never deliberately made me feel that way, for years I have been exhausted trying to keep up. And by not keeping up (and eventually not wanting to), I had begun to feel like the less "spiritual" one. I learned from some incredible people this week that what I have to offer to Bobby, and therefore our ministry, is priceless, that what I had been believing about myself was a lie, and that it is, in fact, OUR ministry. I have been called by default :0)

There were many things that Bobby learned about the way he was looking at me and us. I think some things may have been a blow to his ego, but it was so very refreshing to have someone say to him what I feel like I've been screaming for years. Suddenly, there was a fresh perspective for him. He realized that he is not ready for this new adventure until we are BOTH ready, and we began to look at this church plant differently. More to come...

Holy Crap

I've become increasingly frustrated with the "church" over the past few years. I'm so burdened for families of ministry. I've seen it over and over, the price that family members of ones in ministry have had to pay. I can almost see Satan's sly thinking...let's see...adultery and sexual sin aren't having the same effect anymore...let's spice things and make pastors believe they're living above reproach by doing all the right things. But, the key word becomes "doing." In this case, too much of a good thing can be the most detrimental. So many pastors are pouring so much of themselves into "God's work" that they're missing out on all the other arenas of life...namely their families. I've seen it in families close by and around the country. It's becoming an epidemic.

Unfortunately, the Enemy plays tricks on families in the meantime. I've struggled so many times with feelings of being an unsupportive, almost un-Christian wife because I'd just like to have Bobby's body AND mind away from the church for 2 seconds. Because I need more time and attention from my husband, I suddenly begin to feel guilty for standing in the way of "God's work." And herein lies what has become my constant fight. The moment I first chucked his cell phone across the room, I knew this was becoming a battle.

It has to stop. I don't want to be this person that I feel like I've had to be in order to force time together. I know it's not the answer...But we're due for a change that's coming very soon. It's time to do church differently. It's time for families to rise up together in ministry, not ride the coattails of their exhausted husbands and daddies. It's time for balance. It's time to know--and live--the difference between God and church work, because the line has become blurry. It's time for marriage and family to become priority. This is the way God desires for things to be. This is where we will begin to see success and blessing in ministry.